We’ve been here before, you and I.
Dancing to a drill we know all too well.
For blood clots. For strokes. For lung what-in-the-whats.
Walking into the waiting room. Snuggling gently into the IV chair. Laying down to hear the whirrrrr of a machine. Wondering if this time it will be something or nothing at all.
So I breathe and you carry.
In and out. In and hold until the machine says in a bossy tone , Breathe. I tell you quietly that I find it a bit rude. But then it bosses me again so I breathe and hold, breathe and hold. All to take little pictures of a little, broken me.
But then the whirrrrrr stops.
The table moves and I look up to see her face. I try to read it in the way I always do. Yet all I see is exhaustion.
So I walk and you carry.
Into the dressing room where I put on my big girl drawers like a boss and walk out of there like it’s Macy’s. Smiling at the strangers on the way to the parking lot. Fumbling through my purse to find my ticket and my keys.
And then I hear it, your quiet whisper in my ear, It’s okay to not be okay.
But I ignore it, because we’ve been here before, you and I.
A place where I know that between the hospital and home, I won’t be okay. Where tears will fall and the what- ifs will weigh heavily down. Where I will miss my Daddy and his quiet way of fighting my fear. Where the words thy will be done will fill my heart as that song fills the car and I say to you in unrelenting honesty, The wait hurts, Jesus.
But then the garage door opens and the engine stops.
And I walk into a world filled with little hands and loud voices and big feels. A place where I can lose myself in the busy and the tasking of mamahood. Lose myself until the dead of night when I whisper quietly Jesus, I need You to make the wait beautiful.
So I cry out and you hear me, because the very next day…
You bring sun. You bring beautiful. You bring smiles. You bring little faces. You bring loud voices. You bring me the cry of my heart.
Wrapping me up in a field of sunflowers as if to say…
Do not lose heart, my love. The beauty you need is already here.